1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,200

not staying in

2
00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:09,320

in a spin

3
00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:12,440

to scream and shout

4
00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:15,200


5
00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:18,320


6
00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:27,000
Lucy just texted.

7
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:29,000
Her and your mum will be
back in a minute.

8
00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:33,520
They went to a very nice
restaurant, apparently.

9
00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:34,560
Great food.

10
00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:40,280
I see Taylor Swift has been
arrested for drowning a ferret.

11
00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:43,920
Just checking you're listening.

12
00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:45,480
Have you enjoyed me
baby-sitting for you?

13
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:46,520
Nope.

14
00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:49,320
Don't hold back.

15
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:53,520
Is this still about me
not letting you watch The Exorcist?

16
00:00:56,800 --> 00:01:00,520
I thought you were going to spin
your head the whole way around then.

17
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:03,360
Look, it's a very scary film,
and we don't want you up all night

18
00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:05,240
having nightmares,
you've got school in the morning.

19
00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:07,680
No, I haven't.
I've been suspended.

20
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:09,920
Well, it wasn't
for chatting too much.

21
00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:13,080
What were you suspended for?
I did some artwork.

22
00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:14,760
You don't get suspended
for doing artwork.

23
00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:17,800
It was called Life Is Poo,
and it was a picture of a poo.

24
00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:20,520
Ah...
Still a bit harsh to suspend you.

25
00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:23,680
I did it in magic marker on the
bonnet of the head teacher's car.

26
00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:26,240
OK, now it's taken a turn.

27
00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:32,360
That's not artwork.
That's graffiti.

28
00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:33,680
What's the difference?

29
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:36,320
Well, lack of effort for a start.

30
00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:38,080
Art isn't about effort.

31
00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:41,200
It can just be a simple idea
that gets a strong reaction.

32
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:42,360
Yeah. Is that right?

33
00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:46,280
Well, if you were in my class,
I'd be giving that a D minus.

34
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:49,360
We don't say "D minus" nowadays,
old man.

35
00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:52,520
It's numbers one to nine.

36
00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:54,480
Well, that is
definitely a number two.

37
00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,560
It's not fair.
Other people do stuff like this

38
00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:01,360
and they don't get into trouble.

39
00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:05,520
Look at this. This is on some
derelict building where I hang out.

40
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,280
I don't think you should be
going in derelict buildings.

41
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:10,160
I'm glad you're not my dad.
Yeah, so am I.

42
00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:15,160
Are you going to tell my mum? What,
that I'm not your real dad? Ha!

43
00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:16,800
Well, at least, I don't think I am.

44
00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:20,000
Don't tell your mum I said that.

45
00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:28,440
That looks like a Banksy.
A what?

46
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:29,880
Who else has seen this?

47
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:31,960
Nobody.
It only appeared this afternoon,

48
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:33,360
and nobody ever goes in there
but me.

49
00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:36,920
What's a Banksy?

50
00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:39,160
Um, the building.

51
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,280
Looks like a bank...see?

52
00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:43,440
It wasn't a bank.

53
00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:45,920
It's some old warehouse
at the end of my road.

54
00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:48,880
Is it?
Why don't we just delete this photo?

55
00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:50,560
Why?

56
00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:52,960
Well, that way your mum
won't find out you've been in there.

57
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:54,200
Been in where?

58
00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,920
In the fridge to get a Coke.

59
00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:03,120
Olivia, you know
you're not allowed Coke.

60
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:04,440
Lee!

61
00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:07,880
Yeah, but he can't tell me off.
He's just said he's not my real dad.

62
00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:13,000
I'm just popping out for milk.

63
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:23,320
Hello?

64
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:26,080
Anybody home?

65
00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:28,320
DOOR CREAKS

66
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:33,280
I like what
you've done with the place.

67
00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:36,440
Can't lie, though, it looked
a lot nicer on the Airbnb website.

68
00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:41,240
I can see the headline now.

69
00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:43,480
"Man finds original Banksy.

70
00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:46,960
"'I felt it my duty to share it
with the world,'

71
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,360
"said local man, Lee, 37."

72
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:04,200
DOOR CLOSES

73
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:08,600
Well, I can see why you're hiding.

74
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:11,640
The state you've made of this place
with that sledgehammer.

75
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:15,640
Oh...

76
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:19,640
I think we need to
tighten those hinges.

77
00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:21,480
We don't want someone stealing you.

78
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:24,560
Well...

79
00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:26,640
We don't want someone else
stealing you.

80
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,720
What the hell's that?

81
00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:45,320
I thought you were getting milk!
Oh, this is much better than milk.

82
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:47,120
You are going to love this.

83
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,600
A door? All right,
you're going to adore this.

84
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:52,440
This isn't any old door.

85
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,520
It's what's on the other
side of the door.

86
00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:56,960
What? Guess.

87
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,280
A door knocker?

88
00:04:58,280 --> 00:05:00,120
Nope.

89
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,600
No, that's all I've got,
but I enjoyed that.

90
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:05,880
Can we play What's On The Door
again tomorrow?

91
00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:08,640
Brace yourself. This is huge!

92
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:12,240
Well, we've certainly never
played that one before.

93
00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:17,000
On the other side of this door is
an original, as yet undiscovered,

94
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:18,760
Banksy.

95
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,280
No, there isn't.
See for yourself.

96
00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:24,440
SHE GASPS

97
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:26,600
How do you know it's a Banksy?

98
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:28,720
Because it looks like a Banksy.

99
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:32,240
Well, you look like
a normal civilised human being.

100
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:35,360
And it's signed.
What does it say?

101
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:36,960
Best wishes, Jamie Lee Curtis.

102
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,360
What do you think it says?!

103
00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:40,640
It says Banksy cos it's a Banksy.

104
00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:42,520
Where did you find it?

105
00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:44,040
In a derelict warehouse.

106
00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:47,000
What were you doing in there?
I thought we needed milk.

107
00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:51,960
Well, Tesco's was shut
so I thought I'd...

108
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,920
..walk round a derelict warehouse.

109
00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:56,800
And you just took it?

110
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:59,680
Well, I didn't plan to.

111
00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:01,960
I just wanted to be on the news
for discovering it.

112
00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:05,000
But then I remembered that credit
card toolkit that you got me.

113
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,120
It's got a brilliant little
screwdriver.

114
00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:09,840
I usually only use it for getting
dirt out me toenails.

115
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,720
It's a very handy accessory.

116
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:15,400
Which, of course, is what I now am.

117
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:18,640
What? An accessory...to theft.

118
00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:22,160
It's not theft.

119
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:23,480
All I did was take an old door

120
00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:26,040
from a building that was going to be
demolished anyway.

121
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:28,240
If anything,
I gave them a head start.

122
00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:30,080
I should invoice them.

123
00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:33,320
It still belongs to someone.
Yeah, me.

124
00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:35,280
That's how the law works
in this country.

125
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:37,520
Habeas corpus, losers weepus.

126
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:41,800
And what exactly are you
planning to do with it?

127
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:43,800
I don't know.

128
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:47,440
Keep it? Really?
An actual original Banksy,

129
00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,600
and you're just going to keep it?
Yeah.

130
00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:50,960
I love art, me.

131
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:54,640
All the greats.
Leonardo, Michelangelo...

132
00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:56,040
..Limoncello.

133
00:06:57,360 --> 00:06:59,520
You're going to sell it, aren't you?
Course I'm going to sell it.

134
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:00,960
Be worth a fortune.

135
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:03,360
Oh, shame you won't be able to spend
any of it, because where

136
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:07,680
you're going, you'll only need a few
quid a week for tobacco and soap.

137
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:10,040
I don't smoke.
You don't wash.

138
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:14,840
I can't go to prison
just for stealing an old door...

139
00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:16,200
Can I?

140
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,640
I mean, if someone then pays me
loads of money for that door,

141
00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:22,080
well, that's up to them. I'll just
say I didn't know its value.

142
00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:24,840
In law, ignorance is no excuse,

143
00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:27,120
which is a shame given
it's your superpower.

144
00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:30,240
I can sell it anonymously.

145
00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:32,240
No-one needs to know
I was even in there.

146
00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:34,680
Lee, you've just dragged it
through the street.

147
00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:36,760
You probably passed
a hundred doorbell cameras.

148
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:39,200
Everyone's got one
on their front door now.

149
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:42,960
Ironic, isn't it? Stole a door,
got caught by a door.

150
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,000
Oh, bloody hell!
What am I going to do?

151
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,040
Take it back!

152
00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:49,520
Right now!

153
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,400
Tell you what,
if Banksy had a wife like you,

154
00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:54,240
he'd be out jet washing half
the walls in Bristol!

155
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,760
BANGING

156
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:15,840
CRASH

157
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:15,840
Ooh!

158
00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:17,320
Oops.

159
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:20,000
Ooh...

160
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,120
Genuine Banksy spray cans.

161
00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:24,640
I'm at least having them.

162
00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,360
That is not stealing.

163
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:27,600
That is litter picking.

164
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:31,080
Oh, what's going on here then?

165
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:33,720
Hands where I can see 'em.

166
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:36,720
Oh, I see.

167
00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:40,000
Bit of late night graffiti, is it?
What's the vibe then?

168
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:43,880
A serious burner, or are you
throwing up a quick fat cap tag of your crew?

169
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:48,080
Actually, you look a bit old
for that sort of graffiti.

170
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:50,640
Is it not old school?

171
00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:53,520
You know, "Sharon's a slag",
that sort of thing?

172
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:57,600
Well, whatever it is,
you're trespassing.

173
00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:00,480
And my employer has
a policy of always prosecute...

174
00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:04,200
Hang on.

175
00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:06,120
Is that...

176
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:07,600
Are you...?

177
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:13,080
Oh, my God! You are! You're Banksy!
Right here, on my site!

178
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:14,160
I can't believe it!

179
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:17,960
But why have you kicked a hole
in your own artwork?

180
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:24,880
Oh, I see, is it that the little
girl in the painting

181
00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:26,520
has damaged it
with her sledgehammer?

182
00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:29,480
Does it represent the innocence
of the young girl demonstrating

183
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,960
the learned violence
inherent in the system?

184
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:36,080
Sick!

185
00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:37,360
Ah...

186
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:40,200
SPRAY CAN HISSES

187
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:43,400
Oh, here we go again.
Another one!

188
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,040
HISSING CONTINUES

189
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:52,880
DOOR SLAMS

190
00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:02,120
Oh, how did it go?

191
00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:03,360
How did what go?

192
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:06,280
Your audition for Joseph and the
Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat.

193
00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:09,720
What do you think I'm talking about?
The door? Yeah...

194
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:11,160
All fine.

195
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:12,360
All fine?

196
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,920
This is you, Lee.
Things are never "all fine".

197
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:21,840
Well, I suppose there were
a couple of...minor things.

198
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:25,320
I sort of slightly accidentally...

199
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,520
..kicked a hole in it.
Oh, my God!

200
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:28,800
It's OK.

201
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:31,640
Can't get into trouble for damaging
a bit of old wood.

202
00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:35,400
Can you? You can when
it's got very expensive art on it.

203
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:38,120
Do you remember those protestors
who damaged that Van Gogh?

204
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,920
They were sentenced to over
two years in prison.

205
00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:45,600
Really? I suppose that's the problem
with crimes against Van Gogh.

206
00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:47,320
It's hard to get a decent hearing.

207
00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:51,080
This isn't a joke, Lee.

208
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:54,400
You've vandalised a very
expensive piece of art.

209
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,720
It's a serious crime!

210
00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:58,600
Just thank God nobody saw you.

211
00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:04,200
Oh, God... Who saw you?
A security guard.

212
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,840
It's OK. It's not as bad
as it seems.

213
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:08,200
True.

214
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:11,400
By your standards we're only on five
on the wacky-twat-ometer.

215
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,840
I had my face covered, and
he thought I was actually Banksy,

216
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,400
so I sort of went along with it.

217
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:22,200
Oh, the wacky-twat-ometer has
just gone up to a seven.

218
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:27,200
Don't worry. He had no idea what
I look like or where I live.

219
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:28,840
DOORBELL RINGS

220
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:34,520
Has the wacky-twat-ometer
just gone up to a 10?

221
00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:47,280
Yes?
Sorry to bother you.

222
00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:49,160
Well, it is rather late.

223
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:50,320
That's an odd reaction.

224
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,280
Most people would want to know
what a security guard

225
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:55,080
knocking on their door
at this time of night wants.

226
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,000
Well, I'm not most people.

227
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,960
I'm not even some people.

228
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:00,360
He's barely a person.

229
00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:03,720
I've got something of yours.

230
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,400
You dropped your wallet.

231
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:10,760
Not mine. It's got your address
on the driver's license.

232
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,520
Previous owner. And your face.

233
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,960
Yeah, he did look like me.

234
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:18,840
I'll forward it on and tell him

235
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:21,320
not to walk around derelict
warehouses late at night.

236
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:22,840
Interesting.

237
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:24,880
I didn't say
that's where I found it.

238
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,280
Well, you're a security guard.

239
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,080
So, uh, I just assumed.

240
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:30,840
I could be working at Sainsbury's.

241
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,800
Well, maybe one day if you work hard
and reach for the stars...

242
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:39,160
Don't worry.
Your secret's safe with me...Banksy.

243
00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:42,720
Banksy? I'm not Banksy.

244
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:46,000
Then what were you doing
hanging around a derelict warehouse

245
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,760
in the middle of the night
holding spray paint cans?

246
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:51,280
What spray paint cans?

247
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:52,920
Those spray paint cans.

248
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:56,760
Oh, world's best kept secret.

249
00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:59,360
Wouldn't want your identity
getting out, would we?

250
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:03,160
Makes no difference to me because,
for the second time, I'm not Banksy.

251
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:05,800
That's exactly what Banksy
would say.

252
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:09,080
It's also exactly what someone
who wasn't Banksy would say.

253
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,960
Which is also something
that Banksy would say.

254
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:14,400
This could go on for a while,
couldn't it?

255
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:16,120
Look, I'm not Banksy.

256
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,880
And for the record,
I'm also not Keyser Soze,

257
00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:22,120
the Masked Singer, Jack the Ripper,
The Stig from Top Gear,

258
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:25,200
the Amazing Spider-Man, Lord Lucan,
or the Honey Monster.

259
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:28,520
I know you're not.
Cos you're Banksy.

260
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:30,120
I'm not Banksy.

261
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:32,600
In that case,
I'd have to ask what you were doing

262
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:35,520
trespassing in the middle
of the night on private property

263
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:39,240
and damaging an extremely
valuable Banksy artwork.

264
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,560
OK, maybe I am Banksy.
I knew it!

265
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:49,320
Oh, for the love of God!

266
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:52,160
Hold on. Is that your wife
finding out for the first time?

267
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:56,440
Yes!

268
00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:00,440
All this time it's been staring me
in the face,

269
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,920
and here am I just thinking
he's a knob.

270
00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:07,560
Do me a favour though, will you?

271
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:09,480
Let's keep this between me and you.

272
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:11,920
It's very important
my identity doesn't get out.

273
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:14,680
Oh, I understand.

274
00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:16,840
But obviously
I'll have to tell people

275
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:18,040
I found the artwork on the door.

276
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:20,640
There's going to be
a lot of interest in that.

277
00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:24,120
And when the press arrive,
obviously they're going to ask me,

278
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,200
"Did you catch a glimpse
of the man himself?"

279
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:27,600
What are you going to say?

280
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:32,120
Well, that depends. I mean,
I could say, "No, it's a mystery.

281
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:33,960
"I never saw a thing."

282
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,600
I like it. Very clever.

283
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:38,160
I can almost hear the phone call
from Sainsbury's.

284
00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:43,160
But the problem with that is
it makes me look bad at my job.

285
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:45,040
And I'm not bad at my job.

286
00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,720
I like to think of myself
as the man who put

287
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,880
the "security" into
"security guard".

288
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:55,680
But this way I look like the man who
put the "twat" into "nightwatchmen".

289
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,840
That makes more sense
if you write it down.

290
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:05,280
So, I might just say,
"Yeah, caught him in the act.

291
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,560
"Here's his full name and address."

292
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:10,320
Look, I'm a very big fan, Mr Banksy.

293
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:14,800
To be honest, after you scarpered,
I did briefly consider taking

294
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:17,360
the door off its hinges
and keeping the artwork for myself.

295
00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:18,920
But it's not my property.

296
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:21,400
And that could cause
all sorts of problems.

297
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:24,240
Only an idiot would do that.

298
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:25,680
Yeah...

299
00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:29,440
A gormless, arse-witted,
moronic buffoon.

300
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:31,240
Thanks for your input, Mrs Banksy.

301
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:36,320
What would be much better is if
I had an original Banksy of my own.

302
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:37,840
Made specially for me.

303
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,280
Where ownership was
never in dispute.

304
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:42,160
Not to sell or anything.

305
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:45,440
It's just something nice
to hang in my kitchen.

306
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:49,760
I've got a lovely RSPCA cat calendar
in the kitchen if you're interested.

307
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:51,600
It's not that simple.

308
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:53,320
I need inspiration.

309
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:56,160
You know, I have to
wait for something to hit me.

310
00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:58,600
And I feel it's close.

311
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,000
I understand.

312
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,520
And I have total respect for you.

313
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:06,280
Thank you. But it does mean I'll
have to grass you up to the press.

314
00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:07,520
If that's total respect,

315
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:10,000
I don't want to see
what lack of respect looks like.

316
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:12,080
Well, don't turn around
and face me then.

317
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:14,560
So, what do you say?

318
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:16,160
Looks like my hands are tied.

319
00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:18,160
Well, it will
when he sees the painting.

320
00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:22,120
I'll be back first
thing in the morning to collect it.

321
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:29,200
Well, I think I got away with that.

322
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:32,560
Got away with it? What the hell
are you talking about?!

323
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:34,040
Well, at least there's a plan.

324
00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:36,480
Oh, and what a great plan it is!

325
00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:40,240
You make a deal,
he goes away, we go to sleep,

326
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,920
some magical elves come
and make an original Banksy.

327
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:45,480
He comes back, and you hand it over.

328
00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:48,800
Yeah, I can't think of
any weak links in that one.

329
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:52,200
Is it the magical elves?
Yes, it's the magical elves!

330
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:54,000
I can make a Banksy.

331
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:58,000
How hard can it be? Right, I'm
having nothing more to do with this.

332
00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,960
I'm going to bed.

333
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,840
Wake me up
when you're being sentenced.

334
00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:05,520
Trust me, Lucy.
I will save the day.

335
00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:07,200
Save the day?

336
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:10,200
You're the one who wrecked the day
in the first place.

337
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:12,680
You're not Lassie
coming to the rescue.

338
00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:15,960
You're Lassie trying to clear up
after it crapped on the lawn!

339
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:28,960
What time is it?

340
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,120
Eight o'clock.

341
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:31,600
He could be here any minute.

342
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:35,360
It's OK, Lucy, don't worry
because I have sorted it.

343
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:37,840
It was quite easy once
I'd learned the formula.

344
00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:39,680
What formula?
Think about it.

345
00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:44,040
What does every Banksy
have in common? Juxtaposition.

346
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:45,520
A protestor throwing a weapon.

347
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,280
But what is that weapon?
It's a bunch of flowers.

348
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:49,800
A little girl is playing
with something.

349
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:52,120
But with what? A sledgehammer.

350
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:54,960
You take something that is good
and has virtue,

351
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,520
and you put it with something dark
and unpleasant.

352
00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:00,040
Enough about our marriage.
What's your point?

353
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:01,760
I give to you...

354
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,040
"Dalek Firing Out A Party Popper".

355
00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:10,760
That doesn't look
anything like a bloody Dalek!

356
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:14,840
It looks like an underweight
dustbin on a Pride march.

357
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,720
Well, there's others to choose from.

358
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:19,920
What the hell is that?

359
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:24,000
"Margarita with extra
mushroom...cloud".

360
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:26,480
Like nuclear war, but on a pizza.

361
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:29,520
Have you been sniffing those cans?

362
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:31,520
"Tooth Fairy with
a pneumatic drill".

363
00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:35,960
"Nun with a stun gun".

364
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,280
"Angela Rippon versus Predator".

365
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:44,040
DOORBELL RINGS

366
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:45,440
I can't watch this.

367
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:48,520
He's never going to fall for
any of these efforts.

368
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:51,880
Well, as a 10-year-old girl
told me a few hours ago,

369
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,280
art isn't about effort.

370
00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:55,960
It's about a simple idea
that gets a strong reaction.

371
00:18:57,360 --> 00:18:58,800
Course it is.

372
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:01,760
DOORBELL RINGS

373
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:07,040
You took your time.

374
00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:08,800
You know me. Elusive.

375
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:10,320
Right, I've got the reporters

376
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,600
coming by your artwork on the door
very soon.

377
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:14,000
So, I need to be quick.

378
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:17,400
Question is,
am I telling them about you or not?

379
00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:21,840
Is that for me?

380
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:25,160
Yep. I've been up all night
working on it.

381
00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:27,000
Right, let's see it then.

382
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,400
Ta-da!

383
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,840
Is that a joke?

384
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,400
Yes.

385
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:40,240
Yes, yes, it is. It's a joke about
the futility of...

386
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:43,200
..creative endeavour
in the world of AI.

387
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:47,280
It's a deliberate, childish reaction
to the lack of inspiration

388
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:50,040
currently infesting
the artistic landscape.

389
00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:52,680
It's a poo.

390
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:55,840
But it's not any old poo, is it?

391
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:57,000
It's got eyes.

392
00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:03,000
Eyes that can see where art has been
going for the last 20 years.

393
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,640
Where's it been going?

394
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:06,800
Well, it's been going down the pan,
hasn't it?

395
00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:10,920
I blame Damien Hirst,
sticking diamonds on a skull

396
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:13,440
and plonking pregnant cows
in formaldehyde.

397
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:15,400
Learn to paint, mate.

398
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,960
Well, that's not exactly painting,
is it?

399
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:19,480
Well, that's the point.

400
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:21,000
It's satirical.

401
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,800
If Tracey Emin can shove her
unmade bed in our faces,

402
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:25,560
I can do a big poo.

403
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:28,280
Not on her bed. Obviously.

404
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:30,080
It's not like your other work.

405
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:31,920
Well, it's even more rare then,
isn't it?

406
00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:34,920
That's why the Frog Chorus by Paul
McCartney sold more than Hey, Jude.

407
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,240
Did it?

408
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:37,960
Probably.

409
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:39,520
This is my new era.

410
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,200
Picasso had his blue period.

411
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,680
I'm having me poo period.

412
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:47,240
Look, do you want it or not?

413
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:48,560
Are you going to sign it?

414
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:51,720
That depends.

415
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,440
Are you going to tell anyone
about me?

416
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:56,240
Of course not.

417
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,720
Banksy is only Banksy
if nobody knows who he is.

418
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:00,480
Exactly.

419
00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:02,640
After all, there'd be no magic

420
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:05,400
if everybody knew you were
just a nondescript, boring,

421
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:08,520
middle-aged northern bloke who
was nothing particularly special.

422
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:10,040
I'm going to miss you.

423
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:15,200
All sorted.

424
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:17,440
You mean he actually
accepted one of them?

425
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,440
Yep.
And he even asked me to sign it.

426
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:22,480
And, yes, before you ask,
I wrote Banksy.

427
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:24,480
You absolute cretin.

428
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:27,120
What should I have written?

429
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:31,000
"Hugs and kisses, Lee, we'll always
have Paris?" What's your problem?

430
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,120
What's my problem?!

431
00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:36,600
I never thought for one minute he'd
actually accept any of this rubbish.

432
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:38,880
But now he has it's even worse.

433
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:43,400
How? Because not only did you steal
a Banksy, then damage a Banksy,

434
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:47,160
then pretend you are Banksy,
you've now tried to forge a Banksy.

435
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:50,400
Not bad for one night's work.

436
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:54,040
No-one will find out.
Until he tries to sell it.

437
00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:57,400
He said he wasn't going to sell it.
Of course he's going to sell it.

438
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,480
It's like on Antiques Roadshow
when they say,

439
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:02,000
"Oh, we only want to find out
the value for the insurance."

440
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:04,320
Then bosh,
straight down to Cash Converters.

441
00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,480
Of course he's going to try
and sell it.

442
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:10,520
Especially now it's been
signed by Banksy.

443
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:12,880
Oh, who cares?
No-one will take him seriously.

444
00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:14,280
Yes, they will.

445
00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:17,400
He's about to unveil a genuine
Banksy to the world.

446
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:20,360
So, when he says he's got a second
one direct from the man himself,

447
00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:21,680
they'll believe him.

448
00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:24,320
But when they see the second one,
they'll know it's not real.

449
00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:26,960
It's a load of crap. Literally.

450
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:28,880
Of course they'll know
it's not real.

451
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:30,320
So, what's the problem?

452
00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:32,960
The problem is he'll be in a whole
world of trouble for trying

453
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,480
to pass it off as real.

454
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:37,160
And what happens then?
He has to tell the truth.

455
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:39,000
The whole thing unravels.

456
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:42,720
And you get put in prison
for trespass, attempted art theft,

457
00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:46,360
damaging a million pound artwork,
and now, forgery.

458
00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:52,880
Oh, God!
Life is poo, isn't it? So, now what?

459
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:54,480
Go after him.

460
00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:56,440
Tell him everything.
The whole truth.

461
00:22:56,440 --> 00:23:00,360
Beg him for forgiveness, and ask him
not to tell anyone anything.

462
00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:02,280
OK.

463
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:04,080
God, I need a cup of tea.

464
00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:05,200
You can't.

465
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:06,240
Why?

466
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:07,880
We still haven't got any milk.

467
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:17,640
Hello?

468
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:18,680
Mr Security man?

469
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:21,920
Me again!

470
00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:23,880
I need to tell you something.

471
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:25,640
It's quite funny, really,
in a...

472
00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:28,520
.."you thought you were suddenly
very rich but now you're not"

473
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:29,880
sort of way.

474
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:33,960
Oh, that...
That damage isn't too bad.

475
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:42,000
CAMERAS CLICK

476
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:46,600
Oh, it does open.

477
00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:49,360
There was me trying to get through
the cat flap.

478
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:50,680
Who are you?

479
00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:52,040
Erm...

480
00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:53,680
What are you doing back here?

481
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:55,520
What do you mean, "back here"?

482
00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:57,720
I thought you were trying to
hide your identity.

483
00:23:57,720 --> 00:23:59,000
Oh, hang on.

484
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:00,080
Do you mean...

485
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:01,240
Is this...?

486
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:03,200
Looks like
you rumbled yourself, mate.

487
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:06,720
Ladies and gentlemen of the press,
I present to you...

488
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:09,160
..Banksy. Banksy!

489
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:09,160
THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

490
00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:12,520
How does it feel to be
exposing yourself to

491
00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:13,880
the whole world like this?

492
00:24:17,120 --> 00:24:18,640
I'm not Banksy!

493
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:21,400
He is, and he did me
an original artwork.

494
00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:23,400
Which is for sale, by the way.

495
00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:25,280
I thought you said
you weren't going to sell it.

496
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:26,640
So you are Banksy?

497
00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:28,200
INDISTINCT SHOUTS

498
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:29,560
No, I'm not!

499
00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:31,920
Can you show us the other piece,
please?

500
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:34,640
Oh...

501
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,240
What's that?

502
00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:38,800
This Banksy is a deliberately
childish reaction to

503
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:41,880
the lack of effort currently
infesting the artistic landscape.

504
00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:46,320
Brilliant!

505
00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:48,080
THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

506
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:49,720
Offers accepted,

507
00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:53,920
but I want six zeroes - with at
least a one at the front, obviously.

508
00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:56,080
Not just the zeroes.

509
00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:58,240
Banksy, what caused
this change of direction?

510
00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:00,040
THEY ALL SHOUT QUESTIONS

511
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:03,400
He's not Banksy!

512
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:06,040
Sorry?

513
00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:08,400
This man is not Banksy.

514
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:11,040
And he didn't paint the artwork
on that door.

515
00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:13,160
Then who did?

516
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:14,400
She did.

517
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,320
So SHE'S Banksy!

518
00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:23,160
Stop!

519
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:25,320
Of course she's not Banksy!

520
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:29,280
Go on, tell them what
you just told me.

521
00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:42,600
She's the ten-year-old girl
who fooled the art world,

522
00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:44,360
for a few minutes at least.

523
00:25:44,360 --> 00:25:46,720
So why did you play this prank?

524
00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:49,000
Erm, I got in trouble at school
for doing graffiti.

525
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:51,360
So I wanted to show that
it wasn't fair,

526
00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:53,520
and some people get famous for it,
like Banksy.

527
00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:55,240
And how did you produce the artwork?

528
00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:57,160
Easy. I bought a stencil
from Amazon.

529
00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:01,960
People weren't stupid enough
to fall for it, at first,

530
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:03,440
but then I met this guy.

531
00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:06,560
Oh, God.

532
00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:10,840
I just went along with it
for a bit of fun.

533
00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:12,160
He's lying.

534
00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:14,880
He fell for it as well.

535
00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:16,480
At least I didn't pretend
I was Banksy.

536
00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:18,080
Well, at least
I didn't blackmail anyone.

537
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:20,000
At least I didn't damage
priceless artwork.

538
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:22,000
Priceless? A bloody kid did it.

539
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:23,400
Are you not following this?

540
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:26,560
But you didn't know that,
you trespassing, lying git.

541
00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:30,720
Not only did this gullible,
middle-aged man... 37.

542
00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:33,720
..fall for such a clearly
transparent hoax,

543
00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:37,760
he also had the audacity
to try and pass off this piece

544
00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:40,080
of artwork as a Banksy original...

545
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:46,520
..despite it obviously being done
by someone who has the artistic

546
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:48,760
abilities of a ten-year-old child.

547
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:50,240
I can hear this, you know?

548
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:52,080
And as for the real Banksy,

549
00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:54,920
rather sensibly, not available
for comment.

550
00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:57,320
Well, you said you wanted to
get yourself on the news.

551
00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:00,240
Where are you going?

552
00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:01,440
To get some milk.

553
00:27:05,120 --> 00:27:07,000


554
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,800


555
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:11,240

with my head in a spin

556
00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:14,680

to scream and shout

557
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:17,720


558
00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:21,000


559
00:27:21,050 --> 00:27:25,600
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